Dirty Elevator Talk
I love listening to other peoples conversations in public. Seriously, you should try it, its one of the most entertaining things you could do. Its much better in the western world and especially great in America thanks to the influx of immigrants. I cant tell you how many times I have heard a group of immigrants talking in brokenEnglish about the most hysterical topics. Its nearly impossible to capture that kind of magic anywhere else but here. Here’s a mix of things I’ve heard….
Two Polish immigrants in a crowded Elevator. Pay close attention to how everything is spelled and imagine the hilarious accent.
Polish dude #1: Yah it was very good time. I offended him!
Polish dude #2: Oh yah, did you make good basketballs?
Polish dude #1: Yes I rebound and I make foul offensively, I offensively foul on him! Then I take balls and smack him in face!
Polish dude #2: This is good, you and me, we make basketballs too, yes?
Can you imagine this conversation in a VERY crowded elevator with these goofy looking polish guys talking in a loud voice as if no one else was there. Also imagine me in the corner, the only one laughing, laughing so hard I’m crying and spitting up my orange juice.
One of my favorite experiences is when I get into an elevator with other Arabs who don’t know I’m Egyptian. Its AWESOME, they say everything you’re thinking……but out loud in Arabic. Here’s an example from a month ago when I was on an elevator with some Jordanian students. I will translate all Arabic into English.
First I step onto the elevator and they start talking about me.
Dirty Arabs: (in Arabic) “Look at this jackass! I hate Mexicans, there are so many.”
You know how hard it was for me not to laugh, I was dying inside! Then an American girl walks into the elevator wearing a short dress and no jacket in the middle of December…
Dirty Arabs: (in Arabic) “What a whore, can you believe what these women wear? Doesn’t she have any shame or a father? Look at that ass, I would like to take her home and………”
HAHAHA sorry I’m not translating the rest.
My favorite part, another American girl with a large chest walks onto the elevator….
Dirty Arabs: (in Arabic) “Oh Mommy, beautiful boobs! I wish I was a baby again! Delicious!”
American Girl: (in Arabic) “Excuse me gentlemen I can understand what you’re saying, I’m from Lebanon! Don’t disrespect yourself, shut your mouth you Animals!”
Me: “Hey Mariam, are these guys bothering you?”
American girl (Mariam): “You asshole, how long have you been standing there? Why didn’t you say anything?”
Me: “Hahahahahaha.”
American girl (Mariam) “Jerk!”
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My favorite is two immigrants, from two different countries trying to fight with each other in bad English…
My favorite was my Israeli brother-in-law trying to buy a camera (bargaining) from a guy in the Little Dehli neighborhood near where I live. Got pretty heated…especially since they could not understand each other,both with terrible and very accent Engrish…then my brother-in-law turns to me and says “man this guy can’t speak English”…two seconds later the Indian tells me the same thing…I couldn’t stop laughing…
My also have a huge Chinese and Korean poplulation and my wife gets into with them (good English…horrible accent)…that always worth a hoot….rude aggressive Israeli vs. even ruder and more aggressive Chinese…
Ah..the world can still be a grand place…especially when you have minorities to laugh at…
Then my Iraqi mother-in-law being asked by my boy when he was little ” make me peanut butter and honey”
She says what
“Peanut butter and honey”
She goes to why wife and in their dialect says “esh kon” (what’s this?) “He tells me honi, and look honi I look ohniki and can’t find what he is asking me for!!
All that in mixed Iraqi Arabic, Hebrew and Engrish…
Ah we are motely crew
LOL, especially about Mariam
You would REALLY love the show ‘Mind Your Language.’ Please find and watch it, totally your style.
I need to make an audio file of my mom speaking English. Hilarity will ensue.
The first thing she learned was, “your point is an interesting one!” in a very thick Arabic accent. So when people would say, “how are you?” she would look at them and say, “HI! Your point is an interesting one!”
Secondly, I’m going to feel horrible saying this, but I love to listen to Japanese people talk in English especially when they’re not sure of what they’d like to say. I almost got into a car accident with a Japanese couple in Bahrain, and then the guy came to apologize because he knew it was his fault, and he spoke good English if you ignore the accent. But his wife was like, “His mistake! His mistake! I kill him in the face!”
And I don’t think I ever stopped laughing for like months. Non-fluent ESL speakers say the most hilarious things when angry. I love it.
By the way, speaking Arabic out loud thinking you’re the only one understanding it is a huge mistake. My sister and I do it all the damned time and we get into embarrassing situations like these which took place in Switzerland -
“I hate the way that woman eats. The one sitting on your left. Look at her.”
“Oh yeah, I want to stab her with a fork.”
“People should not eat with their mouths wide open.”
“She’s so gross.”
Lady: “Thanks.” (in Arabic)
*Our faces turn into 10 different shades of red in embarrassment.*
And of course we can’t help but do the whole “oh we weren’t talking about you!” and no one ever buys it.
An Arab here once asked me “how much you bay dis car?”
There was also an episode with an austic Greek client of mine who had a fixation on, sorry Jina, the Indian or Pakistani 7-11 clerk by his house…Poor Nick the Greek…the clerk went nuts went Nick would stare at him and make whacky autistic comments and the clerk would yell in his accent, which only made things worse…
No “thank you come again” at that store for Nick.
Then my wife’s reversals
The movie Showtime is Timeshow
Baggage Claim is “Claim Baggage”
That’s funny…you crack me down.
And my Iraqi father-in-law…when having a drink says “Cheerio” in a British accent
OH…and do this in a Mexican accent:
My name is Sancho
I work on the rancho
I make five pesos a day
I go home to Lucy
And tickle her______
She take my five peso away.
Ah you foreigners are too much
Once an Israeli buddy of mine was at the beach wife his wife…a hot bikini babe sat in front and my buddy is a horny sucker…he started talking in Hebrew to his wife about her…well…attributes..suddenly the gal turns around and says “nechmad..toda” (nice…why thank you).
And of course my very dark-skinned Mexican friend who was at a large conference on hypnosis in Arizona…in a loud voice he (he is kind of odd) called out in the two words in Hebrew he knows…”ben zona”…
Four women turned around that were sitting in front of him and stared in shock…
Ben Zona….means son of a whore.
The literal translations from Arabic to English are by far the funniest. And the “b” instead of “p” thing. “I eat bizza and drink bebzi and latar i go out with my frendz very nice.”
The most favourite pick-up line from the typical Bahraini flirt:
“I tayke pic-char of you in blue tooth sweethart give me a nice face.”
They really do need a nice face, because the ones who resort to this method of flirting are usually butt-ugly.
My mother had this “learn English in just 10 days” phrase books and she’s stuck on “absolutely correct” which she uses all the time in grocery stores and shit.
“Excuse me, where bread? Where? I thought over there but it’s not absolutely correct.”
“Is your price absolutely correct? Try make cheaper. I am regular customer here. Not sure if your price is absolutely correct.”
Sigh. It comes with practice. Hindi-English is what we use these days, as I said in one of my podcasts. It’s way more fun to speak than average English to be honest.
Anyways there are great lessons to learn from these things.
Esra’a
“Anyways there are great lessons to learn from these things.”
Yes…that foreigners are retarded and funny…until you are one.
Did you know a famous Indian city turns Roman in an Indian accent….
Can you solve the riddle? Jina?
I mean…a famous Roman city turns Indian…excuse my dyslexia or is it aixelsyd?
Shut up you retarded and unintentionally funny Jew.
Howie don’t you disappear on me. Now people are going to think I’m actually racist.
LOL, “I kill him in the face”. I love it, Asians butchering of the English language is the most entertaining, far better than Arabs.
I bet you know about http://engrish.com/
It used to be my homepage for like a year. Too fucking funny.
Esra’a…
“Howie don’t you disappear on me.”
Actually I am…I am going to look for D.B.’s elevator with the hot Lebanese chick in it.
Yah baby…yah
See yeh
Arabs are also Asians o.O
Not EGYPTIANS smarty pants! hahaha SCORE!
Well, I never said they are
And not even all Egyptians agree on their Arabness
I consider myself Egyptian, the term Arab is a misnomer.
I don’t think anyone really agrees on their Arabness. We’re only ever “Arab” within the media – outside of that we hate all the other “Arabs” and we only consider ourselves Bahraini, Saudi, Qatari, Egyptian, Lebanese, etc.
We’re nationalistic pricks and we’re lovin’ it.
LOOOL you guys are fucking hilarious!
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