Uncovering yourself
“That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m letting it all hang out.”
I overheard this conversation from where I was sitting in my office coming from the receptionist. Curiosity overcoming me, I came out to see what she was letting hang out. Quite newly married and an orthodox Jew, she had begun her married life covering her hair, which is a very difficult thing to do for most women, unless they are born into an orthodox lifestyle and look forward to shopping for wigs or hats and scarves, depending on how one wishes to cover one’s hair. But she had had enough and missed having her hair drape around her neck.
“Was it difficult for you?” I asked. “What about your friends where you live? Can they accept the change?”
“I only do it when I’m out of the neighborhood. I’m not comfortable uncovering my hair where I live.” But when she moves out of that neighborhood, it’s all coming off.
I completely understood where she was coming from.
Back in Toronto, I was a Hassidic woman, covering my hair with a wig, or actually quite a few wigs, because I never stopped being funky. I had a short one, a long platinum blonde one, a reddish one – medium length and an assortment of head scarves called Snoods. But after I cut out of the Hassidic lifestyle, I began to let go. The first step was uncovering my bangs. It horrified the hell out of some of our neighborhood rabbis and some even stopped speaking to me. I was on my way to hell and they didn’t want to be associated with me, I was sure.
After our move to Israel, the rest of the head covering came off after Rabin was murdered by an orthodox Jewish guy and I didn’t want to be associated with the group of people who wanted Rabin dead. It was easier if people couldn’t figure out how to label you.
But going back to Canada to visit my sister, I had to don my snoods again because her husband is the principal of an ultra-orthodox day school and if anyone in their neighborhood got wind of the fact that a sister-in-law of the rabbi was not ultra-orthodox and wasn’t a “head coverer” – oy vey – they would have problems marrying off their kids/grandchildren because it would cause a blot on the family’s “perfect” status. So I didn’t mind playing along for the sake of my family.
I know how terrifying it could be for this newly-married woman who uncovers her hair now to bump into a relative, where she least suspects it and then the secret is out. This happened to me at the beginning too. It felt funny and sometimes I’d avoid that person by running into a store, turning my head the other way or who knows what, but I really didn’t want some relatives to know that I’ve gone off the path.
But we’ve come to some compromise now. When the ultra orthodox relatives visit me in Israel, I don’t cover my hair, but I don’t wear trousers when I see them because I think that is even more mortifying for them than head coverings and I put on a dress/skirt so they are more at ease.
But I often wonder what about Moslem women who decide to uncover their hair or stop wearing the hejab. Do they also put it on in front of their more devout relatives? Do they freak out when they’re uncovered and bump into friends/relatives they don’t want to bump into? Do they run into stores to avoid them like I did?
Join the Conversation
The problem with Muslim women is that many of them are forced to wear it at a very early age, when they don’t understand the significance or need for such thing. But they do it anyways, because their mothers and some relatives wear it. As they go to school they start seeing other girls wearing their hair down with pride and they want to have the opportunity to be like that.
My friend was forced to wear it throughout school, and I remember when her little sister had to wear it as well, she would always complain. “But my friends don’t wear it. Your friends don’t wear it. Some of mama’s friends don’t wear it. Why should I?”
Yes, why SHOULD she? When girls are old enough to ask that question, that is when they start considering the removal of the hijab, and yes it’s embarrassing, beacuse many will tell you that wearing a hijab is a commitment. You either wear it or you don’t, it’s not something you put on and off like a scarf. It doesn’t just become fashion or clothing – it becomes a part of you, it defines you at first glance, and when people are used to you wearing it, once you take it off it’s like being less Muslim. And family members have a hard time dealing with that sort of thing, depending on their background. It’s hard to get away with this in a strict Muslim family.
And many women do take much pride in their hijab, but there are many who are also forced to wear it, some who are young enough to think that it’s a “sin” to take it off even if you hate it and think it’s uncomfortable.
Once you’ve taken it off it’s hard to bump into devout relatives or people who know you and supported the hijab. They will question you, and like I said, consider you less Muslim for making such a decision.
I hung out with about 10 really close friends throughout high school. All of them were fairly religious. 6 of them wore the hijab. 5 of those removed it by freshman year of college. 3 stayed in Bahrain, 2 were abroad, but they all removed it. I consider it to be a phase now, especially if it’s school girls who wear it. Some really want to wear it, some don’t, others don’t understand the significance of it, some hate it, etc.
It really depends on the woman, they all have their personal stories to go along with this.
Also, there are some places in most Arab countries that you can’t go to without covering your hair. And not just mosques. I’m talking about villages where people take offense to you not dressing up in accordance to their beliefs and strict rules. I take a hijab with me just to pick up a friend from one of these villages, because if I drive without it, I get angry stares. They really do get offended. And there are some places that are the exact opposite, where you stand out merely because of your hijab.
Such are the conditions of the “Twilight Generations”. The traditions that are at least now man made idle fancies constitute the darkness or semi-darkness, but unfortunately the light of dawn has not yet lit the valleys and rolling hills. If God sees us so clearly, as my continuing reading of the Qur’an, indicates with Surah after Surah after Surah, what is the purpose of hijab? Does it mean that men have less reason to cover themselves…..I think at least Esra’a, and probably another author has gone over this comparison..So it sticks in my mind.
There are some similar traditions here in Japan, but as an “outsider” or “visitor” I am and always will be exempt from those expectations or “protections”.
So this is one of the reasons for all of us, you (pl.) and I , to be in different countries. It is the future benefit of these societies to become more open, more receptive to discovering the truth for themselves. ….Of course the young (student aged)usually do for a period of time and that period of time seems to be growing longer and longer
There is no Surah in the Koran that speaks specifically of hair. When “uncovering” is involved, it says “bosoms.” That means you don’t walk around revealing more than you should, and it’s for respectful purposes. The hijab is something, as we say in Arabic, “mustahab.”
I remember growing up that I feared the day that I would have to wear the hijab on a day to day basis. I went to a Muslim school here in the U.S. for 3rd and 4th grade, and wore a scarf with my uniform, but as soon as I was in the car going home, I would take it off.
When I started high school my parents told me that it was time for me to start covering. I would leave the house in a scarf and take it off when I was around the block. I also took up wearing hats when I went out with my mom to run errands. Slowly I stopped wearing a hijab and told my parents that I didn’t want to wear one – that I dressed modestly enough and didn’t feel personally compelled to cover my hair. They said that they would prefer that I cover, but that they weren’t going to force me. By the spring of my freshman year my curly hair was back on display.
Of course when I go to the masjid for the Eid or for Jummah I cover. But I’ve never been a fan of the hijab.. it really is a personal decision.
I forgot to mention…
My mother understands my decision not to cover my hair, sometimes she does not cover her hair at work. But whenever I am wearing the hijab, my dad mentions how much better I look with it on… go figure!
This goes to prove how similar non-secular Moslems and Jews are and how similar are the challenges we face with ourselves – whether to cover up or not to cover up – and that often our folks would prefer us to “cover up”.
I remember after I was 12 years old, my dad forbade me from wearing trousers – as Orthodox Jews believe it is men’s clothing and women are forbidden from wearing men’s clothes (even though in modern days, it is no longer considered men’s clothing). I used to roll up my pants under my skirt and a few blocks away, let it down and take off my skirt. Once or twice my dad did catch me. It was awful being caught and seeing the angry look on his face. Very awful. And now I hate to wear dresses/skirts. But when I go to an Orthodox synagogue, I do put on a skirt/head covering (which is why I don’t go too often)
I know a bunch of girls who veiled then unveiled then veiled again then unveiled etc…
Most of them were forced to wear the hijab or started wearing it for the wrong reasons ( because they wanted their parents to TRUST them/ because their friends started wearing it yes, peer pressure!/ their boyfriends told them to wear it (it happens I swear!) etc… but I still know alot of ladies who were convinced and really like wearing their hijab.
I really hate it when people think that the hijab supresses ur personality/ limits your thinking and wearing it means u r opressed.
Although I dont wear it I still respect the women who do and I think its a personal decision.
i’m not going to generalize but the women who were forced to wear it are most likely to take it off when they grow up and are also most likely to rebel.
what do u think?
i can totally relate to some of you girls out there, growing up in london my parents never stressed the head covering thing to me yet alone, i was not introduced to my religion till i hit high school. my parents are divorced so my mother never had the time to educate us about Islam. but now that i am 20 i researched it and begun practicing Islam (well making an attempt to) but i feel guilty that i don’t cover my head. my mom never pressurs me but it’s those annoying relatives that freak when you say you don’t need it. I’m really confused and cant find the courage to wear it cause i’ll look so different and feel really weird. But hopefully in time inshallah i will find it in me somehow at least. I just find it weird and awkward because I’ve never been introduced to this and now people are demanding that i do this, but i don’t want to do it for them or the wrong reasons. i want to do it for myself only!
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