Family council
May 22nd, 2007Something happened to me this week end, a very irritating “family council”.
A few weeks ago, I decided to accept a job offer in Europe, I signed a contract and I’m going there on september. This was an important decision for me, not an easy one. But I’m old enough and have some experience and I know exactly what I’m looking for and what are the consequences of such decision.
However, some people in my family didn’t have the same opinion about that. The most important detail you have to keep in mind is that my parents didn’t know about this “council”, they weren’t invited and had nothing to do with it. They’ve always respected all my choices and encouraged me to do what I really want to do.
So, on saturday, I was invited by my aunt and her husband to go see them and have a little “discussion”. I knew from the beginning that they were going to talk about my leaving home, and all day long I was like “Oh God ! I know what they are going to tell me, I don’t want to hear that, please leave me alone! … I have to stay calm …” … and I was right!
I give you a sample: ” You know you’re 27 … time to have a family of your own … if you go there, you won’t be able to come back … what will to do? … your job is not the only thing that matters … you will be alone … you have to find a husband … a TUNISIAN husband … are you ready to marry someone who is not tunisian ? … is it alright for you ? … you must be careful, don’t hurry … if it is an algerian ‘blablabla’ … if it is a moroccan ‘blablabla’ … if he is french ‘blablabla’ … maybe a german … but the best for you is a tunisian … “
I was trying to stay calm, but inside, I was like “LEAVE ME ALONE FOR GOD’S SAKE !!! I’m 27 ! yes 27 !! which means I’m not a child, I’m able to think about the consequences of my decisions and make a choice by myself. You don’t know a thing about me, my job, my relationships, what I want to do. My parents never tried to tell me what I have to do … I would have accepted a question or two just to be sure that I know what I’m doing, but you don’t have the right to interrogate me this way … it is an intrusion in my private life !!! … and what the hell are talking about? why is it always about weddings and couples ?? why are we talking about marriage in the first place? it is MY life!!”
Anyway , I tried to explain my point of view and let them know I’m really sure about my decision and that they don’t have to worry … but God why do I have to answer to that ???
Why people don’t respect our personal decisions? why do they think they have the right to give an advice about everything ? why are they so sure that they thought about the problems more than we did? why do we have to talk about marriage just because we are 20-something ? And why are we obliged to discuss the nationality of our future husband or wife even before knowing them ?
So much questions and I don’t know the answer !!
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Sometimes I wonder if it’s familial or regional.. because my family is the same. Personal decisions aren’t accepted, there is always already a decision made for you and you need to oblige by their rules. You can’t go here nor there, you can’t do this nor that, you can’t marry this or that guy, no matter how old and mature you are.
Nadia, just do what you want! You only live once my friend, so make the most out of it.
I second that advice. Do what you think is good for you, No one is perfect we do mistakes along the way but it is a part of living and learning. It might be the right choice.. you will have to go through with it to know, if it isn’t then it will be an experience.
I am glad your parents are supportive for your sake. Imagine what would happen if they were not!
Older people usually think about marriage for women before anything else, it is understandable plus there is a gap between this generation and theirs.
They might never understand you but at least they are giving you the choice.
I have been living with this problem all my life and I still do.. to the extent they would love to control my bowel movements for God’s sake! In my case and in many Saudis flexibility is very limited. Enjoy life
Esra’a I will kill you later because you broke your promise but this another subject
Actually, my aunt is only 10 years older than me, so we cannot talk about a generation gap in this case. Obviously there’s a big mentality problem, and i can assure you that some of my friends ( not many) who have the same age also say the same things, but they don’t insist so much because they know me.
I think this mentality is contagious, that’s why it’s spreading throughout generations now. What bothers me is how people make it seem as if you’re guilty… and a traitor to your beliefs, family, and country, simply because you value your independence!
In every culture, parents and relatives find it difficult to accept that children, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews have become adults. Your family wants to protect you.
However, you are 27 and must take responsibility for your life. My advice is to think about the decision intently. Take a long walk to clear your mind. When you return, make a decision by following your heart.
It’s cliche, but we do have only one life. You are young with many options. Once you’re married with children, you’ll have far fewer. Make the life you want now.
FWIW – I’m the father of two daughters ages 26 and 25. I gave them the same advice.
Don, i already thought about it for a long long time, and I already decided. This is not even the question. I know they are trying to protect me, but I don’t accept it, as I said in my post, I feel it is an intrusion in my private life. Every person who knows me well also knows this is a good decision for me, including my parents and my closest friends. Now having my aunt and her husband telling me that this way I wouldn’t be able to marry a tunisian and that this would be a catastrophe is really pissing me off.
anyway, thank you for the advice, I agree with you that this is time for me to take this decision because I’m obviously free to do it while I’m not responsible for an entire family, so I’m doing it, and the world is borderless to me, I’m not going on the moon after all
Our society sadly thinks that a solution to a woman is marriage!
I understand how you feel and that the intrusion is not from your immediate family but from your aunt and others.
We are born in this life and we are under the umbrella of a Man, first it is your father and then the “Honor” is transferred to the husband.
A career is the one thing we have control over and it is the one thing that gives us the security that we need not a man!
Society does not think like that and wants us to sit and wait for the Man!
What you are doing is what many women are doing and have done. I think with time we can change that mentality. One day we will be standing under our own umbrella!
I have actively pursued my career in a male dominated area, despite many intrusions and I am proud of ignoring!
The old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me!” Good Luck!
It does seem as if this is a particular problem in the Middle East! I’m a Malay Muslim and although I do also have this to some extent in my life, it’s nowhere near as suffocating and controlling as it appears to be in Middle Eastern cultures.
I once fell in love with a Christian Arab, and from the outset he refused to even consider a future with me because of the many restrictions dictated to him by his family (and, by extension, his culture). It was strange for me being on ‘the other side’ for once; I couldn’t for the life of me comprehend why he would be willing to give up someone he loved and go along with a forced marriage just because it was his family’s will.
To me it seems like such a strange and alien world to live in, and I admit that I’m still having a hard time understanding it. Maybe it was just this guy’s particular family, I don’t know. But because Malay culture has historically been very open to outside influences, and we have mixed with and married people from almost every other culture imaginable, Arab resistance to outsiders is something I simply cannot fathom.
Having said that, sadly Malays ARE becoming more xenophobic and closeted in our quest to become “better Muslims”….
I am over 40 and an independant European female. My parents are still trying to dictate to me how to live my life and use my children as emotional blackmail tools to try and “get me”. Believe me, it is not just younger woman or woman from a non-western background who are put under pressure.