Comments on: Family council http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/ Thinking Ahead Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:46:46 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Schu http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7588 Schu Tue, 29 May 2007 14:47:57 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7588 I am over 40 and an independant European female. My parents are still trying to dictate to me how to live my life and use my children as emotional blackmail tools to try and "get me". Believe me, it is not just younger woman or woman from a non-western background who are put under pressure. I am over 40 and an independant European female. My parents are still trying to dictate to me how to live my life and use my children as emotional blackmail tools to try and “get me”. Believe me, it is not just younger woman or woman from a non-western background who are put under pressure.

]]> By: Sheema http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7587 Sheema Wed, 23 May 2007 12:31:17 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7587 It does seem as if this is a particular problem in the Middle East! I'm a Malay Muslim and although I do also have this to some extent in my life, it's nowhere near as suffocating and controlling as it appears to be in Middle Eastern cultures. I once fell in love with a Christian Arab, and from the outset he refused to even consider a future with me because of the many restrictions dictated to him by his family (and, by extension, his culture). It was strange for me being on 'the other side' for once; I couldn't for the life of me comprehend why he would be willing to give up someone he loved and go along with a forced marriage just because it was his family's will. To me it seems like such a strange and alien world to live in, and I admit that I'm still having a hard time understanding it. Maybe it was just this guy's particular family, I don't know. But because Malay culture has historically been very open to outside influences, and we have mixed with and married people from almost every other culture imaginable, Arab resistance to outsiders is something I simply cannot fathom. Having said that, sadly Malays ARE becoming more xenophobic and closeted in our quest to become "better Muslims".... It does seem as if this is a particular problem in the Middle East! I’m a Malay Muslim and although I do also have this to some extent in my life, it’s nowhere near as suffocating and controlling as it appears to be in Middle Eastern cultures.

I once fell in love with a Christian Arab, and from the outset he refused to even consider a future with me because of the many restrictions dictated to him by his family (and, by extension, his culture). It was strange for me being on ‘the other side’ for once; I couldn’t for the life of me comprehend why he would be willing to give up someone he loved and go along with a forced marriage just because it was his family’s will.

To me it seems like such a strange and alien world to live in, and I admit that I’m still having a hard time understanding it. Maybe it was just this guy’s particular family, I don’t know. But because Malay culture has historically been very open to outside influences, and we have mixed with and married people from almost every other culture imaginable, Arab resistance to outsiders is something I simply cannot fathom.

Having said that, sadly Malays ARE becoming more xenophobic and closeted in our quest to become “better Muslims”….

]]> By: Wafa (Saudi) http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7586 Wafa (Saudi) Tue, 22 May 2007 22:25:41 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7586 Our society sadly thinks that a solution to a woman is marriage! I understand how you feel and that the intrusion is not from your immediate family but from your aunt and others. We are born in this life and we are under the umbrella of a Man, first it is your father and then the "Honor" is transferred to the husband. A career is the one thing we have control over and it is the one thing that gives us the security that we need not a man! Society does not think like that and wants us to sit and wait for the Man! What you are doing is what many women are doing and have done. I think with time we can change that mentality. One day we will be standing under our own umbrella! :) I have actively pursued my career in a male dominated area, despite many intrusions and I am proud of ignoring! The old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me!" Good Luck! Our society sadly thinks that a solution to a woman is marriage!
I understand how you feel and that the intrusion is not from your immediate family but from your aunt and others.
We are born in this life and we are under the umbrella of a Man, first it is your father and then the “Honor” is transferred to the husband.
A career is the one thing we have control over and it is the one thing that gives us the security that we need not a man!
Society does not think like that and wants us to sit and wait for the Man!
What you are doing is what many women are doing and have done. I think with time we can change that mentality. One day we will be standing under our own umbrella! :)
I have actively pursued my career in a male dominated area, despite many intrusions and I am proud of ignoring!
The old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me!” Good Luck!

]]> By: Nadia (Tunisia) http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7585 Nadia (Tunisia) Tue, 22 May 2007 21:59:06 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7585 Don, i already thought about it for a long long time, and I already decided. This is not even the question. I know they are trying to protect me, but I don't accept it, as I said in my post, I feel it is an intrusion in my private life. Every person who knows me well also knows this is a good decision for me, including my parents and my closest friends. Now having my aunt and her husband telling me that this way I wouldn't be able to marry a tunisian and that this would be a catastrophe is really pissing me off. anyway, thank you for the advice, I agree with you that this is time for me to take this decision because I'm obviously free to do it while I'm not responsible for an entire family, so I'm doing it, and the world is borderless to me, I'm not going on the moon after all ;) Don, i already thought about it for a long long time, and I already decided. This is not even the question. I know they are trying to protect me, but I don’t accept it, as I said in my post, I feel it is an intrusion in my private life. Every person who knows me well also knows this is a good decision for me, including my parents and my closest friends. Now having my aunt and her husband telling me that this way I wouldn’t be able to marry a tunisian and that this would be a catastrophe is really pissing me off.

anyway, thank you for the advice, I agree with you that this is time for me to take this decision because I’m obviously free to do it while I’m not responsible for an entire family, so I’m doing it, and the world is borderless to me, I’m not going on the moon after all ;)

]]> By: Don in Seattle http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7584 Don in Seattle Tue, 22 May 2007 21:47:33 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7584 In every culture, parents and relatives find it difficult to accept that children, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews have become adults. Your family wants to protect you. However, you are 27 and must take responsibility for your life. My advice is to think about the decision intently. Take a long walk to clear your mind. When you return, make a decision by following your heart. It's cliche, but we do have only one life. You are young with many options. Once you're married with children, you'll have far fewer. Make the life you want now. FWIW - I'm the father of two daughters ages 26 and 25. I gave them the same advice. In every culture, parents and relatives find it difficult to accept that children, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews have become adults. Your family wants to protect you.

However, you are 27 and must take responsibility for your life. My advice is to think about the decision intently. Take a long walk to clear your mind. When you return, make a decision by following your heart.

It’s cliche, but we do have only one life. You are young with many options. Once you’re married with children, you’ll have far fewer. Make the life you want now.

FWIW – I’m the father of two daughters ages 26 and 25. I gave them the same advice.

]]> By: Esra'a http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7583 Esra'a Tue, 22 May 2007 19:03:29 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7583 I think this mentality is contagious, that's why it's spreading throughout generations now. What bothers me is how people make it seem as if you're guilty... and a traitor to your beliefs, family, and country, simply because you value your independence! I think this mentality is contagious, that’s why it’s spreading throughout generations now. What bothers me is how people make it seem as if you’re guilty… and a traitor to your beliefs, family, and country, simply because you value your independence!

]]> By: Nadia (Tunisia) http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7582 Nadia (Tunisia) Tue, 22 May 2007 17:55:34 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7582 Esra'a I will kill you later because you broke your promise but this another subject Actually, my aunt is only 10 years older than me, so we cannot talk about a generation gap in this case. Obviously there's a big mentality problem, and i can assure you that some of my friends ( not many) who have the same age also say the same things, but they don't insist so much because they know me. Esra’a I will kill you later because you broke your promise but this another subject

Actually, my aunt is only 10 years older than me, so we cannot talk about a generation gap in this case. Obviously there’s a big mentality problem, and i can assure you that some of my friends ( not many) who have the same age also say the same things, but they don’t insist so much because they know me.

]]> By: Rasha (Saudi Arabia) http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7581 Rasha (Saudi Arabia) Tue, 22 May 2007 13:09:30 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7581 I second that advice. Do what you think is good for you, No one is perfect we do mistakes along the way but it is a part of living and learning. It might be the right choice.. you will have to go through with it to know, if it isn't then it will be an experience. I am glad your parents are supportive for your sake. Imagine what would happen if they were not! Older people usually think about marriage for women before anything else, it is understandable plus there is a gap between this generation and theirs. They might never understand you but at least they are giving you the choice. I have been living with this problem all my life and I still do.. to the extent they would love to control my bowel movements for God's sake! In my case and in many Saudis flexibility is very limited. Enjoy life :-) I second that advice. Do what you think is good for you, No one is perfect we do mistakes along the way but it is a part of living and learning. It might be the right choice.. you will have to go through with it to know, if it isn’t then it will be an experience.

I am glad your parents are supportive for your sake. Imagine what would happen if they were not!
Older people usually think about marriage for women before anything else, it is understandable plus there is a gap between this generation and theirs.
They might never understand you but at least they are giving you the choice.

I have been living with this problem all my life and I still do.. to the extent they would love to control my bowel movements for God’s sake! In my case and in many Saudis flexibility is very limited. Enjoy life :-)

]]> By: Esra'a http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7580 Esra'a Tue, 22 May 2007 12:15:44 +0000 http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/05/22/family-council/#comment-7580 Sometimes I wonder if it's familial or regional.. because my family is the same. Personal decisions aren't accepted, there is always already a decision made for you and you need to oblige by their rules. You can't go here nor there, you can't do this nor that, you can't marry this or that guy, no matter how old and mature you are. Nadia, just do what you want! You only live once my friend, so make the most out of it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s familial or regional.. because my family is the same. Personal decisions aren’t accepted, there is always already a decision made for you and you need to oblige by their rules. You can’t go here nor there, you can’t do this nor that, you can’t marry this or that guy, no matter how old and mature you are.

Nadia, just do what you want! You only live once my friend, so make the most out of it.

]]>