Zuender's next question for us
The German newspaper which we are collaborating with has sent us this question for you to answer:
“Our next topic is supposed to be “Living” Where do you live, do you live alone, with your parents, in a living community with other young people, maybe even with you boy- or girlfriend?
We have also thought about asking you users to take a picture from a window in their bedroom. It would probably really great to actually see how people in the middle east live. I don’t know whether would technically be possible to post the photos in your blog, otherwise they could maybe simply mail the pictures to you or directly to us.”
I think it can definitely be done! So start talking about your lifestyles… and whether or not there are any societal and cultural restrictions.
Join the Conversation
Sorry, I don’t live in Iran anymore. Do you want me to ask Iranian friends to help?
Yes it would be nice to have Iranians answer this.
I know this is kind of missing the point, but if you do a search on Flickr for anything, say “Sadr City” you will come up with a ton of photos.
They are looking for individual personal middle-easterners life not just some random picture of cities!
They want to show to their audience who are middle-easterners and how do they live?! unfortunately still you can find more people in the west that think middle-easterners are living in tents and they drive camels!
Should i post it here or email it to you?
You can post it here for others to see. You can also e-mail it if you want.
When I lived in Iran recently, as a 1st year Law student at one of the prestigious (public) universities of the country, I lived with my parents in our family home in Tehran. We were located in what used to be very North of the city, but has become closer to middle Tehran as the city expands towards the mountains.
I can easily, and safely, generalize that most Iranian youth do not live with their “significant other”, if they are not legally wed. Also most university students as a general rule try their best not to stay in the dormitories as they have very little amenities and comfort. However, if one is a women without any friends/family in the city where one studies, she will surely stay in the dormitories. Needless to say, they are single sex housing.
My house looked onto a busy alley on one side and the small piece of land and garden on the south side. The very busy street just a few houses over always made its presence known with traffic noise!
My parents allowed me to have house parties with my friends over. Parties of various kinds: with music and dancing, guys and girls, or family parties, low-key, some “ghelyoon” (shisheh) and some cards. However, strangers, especially men were not allowed on premises! They had to make sure to know all my friends who stepped into the highly private area considered one’s home.
In today’s Iran, under the Islamic Republic, the sanctity of the private home is increasing. Walls to separate house gardens and premises from neighbor’s, as I’ve been told, almost did not exist before the Revolution. Some people had low walls, as low as one foot in height. Some only had fences, some just bushes. Today, high walls surround home property, more often than not with barbed-wire fences to top them off–rather unpleasant, aesthetically.
Many houses, single-family, or apartments, even middle-class housing, have a family or a person as caretaker. He (his family) is given a small room for housing and a stipend for taking care of the property, gardens, locking doors, helping out with groceries, helping out with house chores. More often than not, these families in Iran are Afghans. Some live in dire circumstances. But some luck out and have good landlords who pay them well and actually increase their quality of life. Generous families often take the caretaker under their wing, school their children and finance their life.
Again, because of today’s circumstanbces in Iran and people’s high value of privacy, neighbors rarely converse unless they know eachother well, even in apartments. However, general Iranian generousity and hospitality always has its place, regardless of religion, nationality or politics!
Fascinating post Minoo!
I second that, it’s the same in Bahrain. Women in the Gulf almost always live with their parents until they are married (or unless they are abroad for college). You’ll find rare exceptions. Lots of couples go out, it’s very normal to see young couples in malls, the cinema, etc, but never moving in, and it’s not often to see couples introduce themselves to each other’s parents until it’s time to get engaged or married.
I live with my family in a village that 15 years ago was entirely empty. Now like everywhere else in Bahrain, it’s crowded! The nearest coldstore is stupidly called “Nasrallah Coldstore,” which is ironically where I get my milk from.
First we were living alone, then we extended our house to include a separate place for our grandmother. Our extended family gather there each week, which of course has its moments, but we lost a lot of privacy. I for example expect anyone to barge into my room while I sleep or change my clothes and it’s completely normal for them. Right now when I’m in college, I live in a dorm, and it’s so great. Sure I miss my family but the quiet privacy allows me to do so much. I am never at peace at home and I think many young people feel this way…
What I dislike is the fact that we know nothing about our neighbors, we very rarely communicate. Some of my relatives believe that it’s due to the fact that we’re Sunnis in a big Shiite community, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. We have both Sunni and Shiite mosques and for the most part people live side by side without trouble.
Now for the pictures…
This is the view from my bedroom. It’s not typical scenery!
The place you see on the right used to be a farm house. It’s being replaced by a building now… where people can look directly into my room!
This is one of the rooms in our house – sorry it’s very blurry, but this room is special. Many of the stuff here is old and antique, it includes a radio that lived through 4 generations, with very old carpets and 30-50 year old pans, etc. It’s the best and calmest room in our house.
This is Bahrain during a sandstorm, near our garden (which is full of palm trees, my mother is a huge fan.)
These comments are very interesting for a westerner, I can confirm you this. May I ask you something related to the couples’ life: are people generally choosing who to marry freely? What is the level of involvement of their families and, particularly, of their parents?
Hi Luca. It depends, and it differs from one culture and family to another. I have relatives who simply won’t allow their daughters to marry people from certain sects/religions, and others allow for their kids to marry Jews or atheists even. You will find many women who choose their husbands freely and many women who go through forced marriages. It really just depends on upbringing, society, and family. In Bahrain you find a little bit of all sides, moderate and extreme.
These days you can find many families in Bahrain that are more liberal than one would expect them to be, that you can even bring home boyfriends and introduce them to your parents. But other families would harshly punish their daughters for even suspecting/doubting their actions.
A lot of families, they would need to approve of the husband/wife before marriage. You will find sometimes young couples who wed without their parent’s approval, and these happen when parents don’t approve of your marriage so you do everything in your power to make it happen regardless of what they think of you … I have certain relatives who went through that. So you sacrifice your family for love, and sometimes it’s the other way around, depends what you consider more important – family/tradition or love.
In Jordan it’s interesting because sometimes relationships are so open yet you’ll find in rural areas things like honor killings, where a brother/father kills a female member merely because they think she shamed the family’s “honor” by being in a relationship.
Also, read this post by Rasha from Saudi Arabia, it answers some of your questions.
Thank you Esra’a, very clear description of a mixed situation. Apart from religious links (the will to have their children married with someone belonging to the same faith), what is the reason pushing families (parents) to make decisions on their children’s behalf? Is it money, family prestige? Or only tradition, i.e. the need to assert the power of the parents (or better of the father) over their children’s lives? Or ethnic belonging (same tribe, nation, people)? And finally, would you feel that the authority of the parents is affecting equally men and women, or is it rather directed to women? In other terms, can boys more freely choose the girl they want to date/marry or is it the same for both?
I know these are a lot of questions so feel free not to answer if you don’t have time, but I think it is an interesting issue for all readers, isn’t it?
Thanks and keep up the good job!
Each situation is different in certain countries, for example in Yemen or Saudi Arabia it’s very different than in Bahrain, and the reasons includes all of the above. Money, prestige, religion, even familial reputation. Sometimes the man or woman are not wealthy enough, not educated enough, or from a different nationality/religious sect, which ruins the family’s tradition of marrying people amongst themselves only. A lot of young couples suffer emotionally because of this, because they are forced to pick between love and family.
Men have more choices, but sometimes strict families abandon their children for marrying the wrong person. So the men also suffer, for example his family become very rude to his wife, or they don’t allow her in their house because she is not good enough for their son. It happens very often and I have many, many personal examples from my extended family.
It’s sad, and young people hope to earn the respect and freedom from their families to make such choices.
You might read the personal experience of Bashar from Jordan, which he posted about not being able to marry his girlfriend due to her family not approving.