So What About Marriage?
July 8th, 2008It seems that recently all my friends and acquaintances are pairing up and settling down to marriage. A personal union of two individuals for a variety of reasons- be it love, money, freedom, procreation etc.
In our global village we are often encouraged by the media to presume that marriage is merely a matter of finding Mr/ Mrs Right, falling in love and vowing to stay true to one another ’til the end of time’. However the reality seldom reflects this ideal. In fact it is debatable if any marriage is based solely on love and most cultures encourage a degree of pragmatism.
I personally hold the belief that any ‘romantic love’ holds a sell-by-date, that’s to say that it may flourish for a certain duration and then wither away to expose the realities of each individual’s personality, ambitions and/ or expectations. This is certainly a very pessimistic view but I do firmly hold that a relationship that addresses the practicalities first and then allows romantic attachment to flourish must certainly be more successful than one that masks logic with immediate physical reactions.
In this sense the idea of ‘arranged marriages’ does hold a certain appeal that challenges traditional fairy tale image of boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love….or does it???
I am not suggesting that matrimony be forced on unwilling parties but what exactly is so repugnant about two individuals being introduced by family or friends who surely have a good idea of their personalities, experiences, ambitions etc? Does this not top a union initiated in a dark smokey club, where both parties’ judgement may be impaired and a decision is made on the spur of the moment rather than after careful consideration.
It is worth noting the differences between a traditional concept of arranged marriage and the one I am suggesting. For centuries the former has been popular throughout the Arab Middle East and Islamic World and was often finalized after the first meeting. The parents or matchmaker selected the pair, there was no possibility of courtship, and only limited conversation between the prospective partners was permitted (while the parents were present); then the prospective partners were expected to decide whether to proceed with the marriage. The parents may have exerted considerable pressure to encourage the potential bride or bridegroom to agree to the match.
The new version of arranged marriage in the Middle East is certainly much more appealing. Parents choose several possible candidates- assessing them on basis of their credentials such as religiosity, wealth, education and family background. The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, confining their role to responsible facilitators and well-wishers. A series of meetings are then arranged, telephone calls and email exchanges that may continue over a number of months. Less pressure to agree to the match is exerted by the parents in comparison to a traditional arranged marriage. This form of arranged marriage is not only popular in the Middle East but also rural parts of the United States, South America, India and Japan.
Clearly there are always exceptions but this way obviously holds a certain allure to more religious families, Muslim, Christian or Jewish and even to the totally secular one has to admit a certain practicality and convenience in this over the messiness of failed relationships and heartbreak. That is not to say that an arranged marriage cannot also end up in misery and breakup however the figures point to a greater success with a 0% to 7% divorce rate for arranged marriages in contrast with a 55% divorce rate for the United States.
A few guidelines to take into consideration when trying to find the ‘one’ should include
* Religiosity: If you’re religious yourself can you live with someone who isn’t and even if you aren’t practicing now, do you think you may be in the future? This also works the other way round!
* Vocation/ Education: So you have a PhD? Willing to marry someone with only a high school certificate? Remember education can impact our attitudes, not only our careers!
* Wealth: Rich or Poor? Usually it is difficult to marry someone who’s standard of living is too different from your own, whether it be richer or poorer. Imagine the embarrassment of not being able to return gifts like for like or constantly feeling that you may be showing off. Also better not marry a spend thrift if you like to save and vice versa.
* Language: It’s generally a good idea to be able to communicate in the same language fluently!
* Locality: Where do you want to live? Is he going to want to emigrate to Australia and you want to stay near Mum and Dad? Does she want to live in the big city and you prefer a more rural home?
* Children: Do you want them? How many? What is the Mr/ Miss Right’s attitude to contraception? How should they be brought up? You want to send them to a religious school, she wants a secular upbringing…
* Appearance: Do not discount this as superficial! You need to feel at least a degree of attraction for this to work! Ideally beauty, weight and height should be roughly comparable.
* Medical History: It’s always good to check out if there are any inherent diseases that may need to be dealt with later or could be passed on to the children. Also mental health is a big taboo that must be addressed- you don’t want to be surprised to find that your partner to be is schizophrenic
This list can obviously go on and on and on and even then you’ll be finding out things about one another even after the wedding and for years and years after. This website has a fairly comprehensive list but if anything does strike you then just ASK!!
Please check my new blog out at: http://arabista-arabista.blogspot.com/
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I am not so sure that the high divorce rate is due to the method by which Americans meet their partners (whether arranged or not). I feel it is more due to the fact that Americans of today are more individualistic and selfish – our media emphasizes material wealth and personal gain as means to happiness. The emphasis is always on the self, not the family. As a result, people are less willing compromise and work out their problems with each other – it is simply easier to divorce and go your separate ways. In other words: “Why should I compromise MY wants for anyone else?” This mentality will cause our destruction (and the destruction of others) if unchecked.
My parents have been married for 25 years and theirs was not arranged (their generation was more responsible). However, I am not against the idea. Parents have more life experience and can often be good judges of character.
BTW, sorry for not introducing myself: I am a student at the University of Pennsylvania (wharton) who is studying Near Eastern civilizations and Business. I have been reading this blog a lot lately since I discovered it this may and like many of you I feel this is one of the few constructive efforts out there to foster understanding between those of different faiths in the Middle East.
If I have not right ot post here…let me know. I can live with reading!
Very good post Amira. Although if you google the 55% statistic of divorce in the US you will run into a lot of counter evidence. In any case, its too much.
I met my wife online and we both share the same faith. its important we we did go back and forth with emails before we actually met. I don’t regret it at all.
I think a big thing with marriage is that you must always remember that you will sacrifice a little of your self. Do not ever think that you will force your way on someone else. It takes mutual give and get. Always…
We used to fight all the time the first year or so. Not anymore. Its also helpful to try to really get to know the other person spiritually. It really increases your respect for them.
Madmax post all you want! I am in the States too and I have never even been to Iran, although I speak farsi etc…
Thanks for your support on behalf of MEY.
“I do firmly hold that a relationship that addresses the practicalities first and then allows romantic attachment to flourish must certainly be more successful than one that masks logic with immediate physical reactions.” And what are the criteria for “successful” ? If a couple live miserably together till “death do them part” because divorce isn’t an option, for religious, social or economic reasons, is that marriage more successful than one that lasts happily for a few years and then ends amicably ? The 55% divorce rate in the US (if true) can’t compare to other cultures. Ideally a couple live together because they _want_ to, not because they _have_ to.
Been with the same woman for 20 years, married to her half the time. No family involved in any match-making. Perish the thought.
I hold the idea that neither arranged marriages nor “love” marriages work properly currently. As evidenced by the astounding divorce rates in the US (where marriages are unarranged) as well as those in several Arab countries (where marriages are arranged) where the rates are on par with the US.
People now a days are just freaking lazy. Hence the divorces after 1 year of marriage and what not. I remember one blog I used to read, a muslim woman who had had arranged marriages indicated that she was on marriage number 3 within a time span of like 10 years or something. And that was apparently completely normal. I’m sorry but it is not. And than I have my own cousin who had a nonarranged marriage and he divorced after like 3 years.
I think I agree with one of the commenters who said its a generational thing.
And the guidelines you listed are pretty good. Really the only thing that I’m an absolute stickler about is that I’m against interreligious marriages (for myself, that is)
And speaking about attractiveness, in places like Saudi Arabia are men able to see their wife-to-be’s face before hand even if she wears a niqaab, because I think it would be quite problematic if you ended up with someone you thought was completely hideous.
I’ve been married going on 17 years now, and, while my marriage contradicts some of the guidelines (vocation and wealth specifically), we’re still happy & in love. However, I do agree that love will not necessarily see one through a marriage. Couples must realize that they are literally adopting new identities when they wed, that many of the things that they took for granted will change. I think that the problem here lies with this culture of self-interest that unfortunately we in the West have embraced, and I think this started with my parents generation. So much emphasis is put on building an individual identity and attaining personal happiness on some insane, continuous level like a TV ad figure that most people have very low triggers for “closing off” and losing empathy, consensus and tolerance. And I gotta tell ya, THOSE ARE VERY IMPORTANT QUALITIES IN MARRIAGE.
It took long, hard times for the missus and me to develop and maintain those attributes, but in the end it was certainly worth it. On the other hand, however, I have never understood the concept of marriage before sex. How can you consider committing to spending the rest of your life with someone before you have the opportunity to see and smell them first thing in the morning?
This is a ridiculous post, the figures of 0-7% and 55% have not been clearly elucidated. Where are the links to such an astounding contrast? Also, since when do marriages in the US speak for all marriages not brought together by an arrangement? And in fact, such a percentage for the US could well include arranged marriages. What are the divorce rates in the Middle East? I’m willing to suggest that whatever rates are given are not in fact true indications of the actual rates. What kind of fairy tale is this author living in, one of self-delusion? Arranged marriages take the responsibility completely away from the woman, and the man as the parents do all the leg work. And what about family pressure? Does that not have a terrific impact? Why are non-arranged marriages simplified to meeting in a smokey infested bar? Do people who meet without the hand of daddy only meet in pubs and bars? This is a very risky suggestion, are you a tad-bit bigoted or racist? No, this is a sycophant at best, an occidentalist at worst. And what does contraception have to do with any of this? Are you referring to abortion?
No, what a marriage or relationship takes is commitment, honesty and willingness to forgive. Without that, Amira you’ve got nothing.