Islam wins: Michael Jackson converts
November 23rd, 2008This one-gloved thriller star is being sued by a local prince here for going against some “contract” and not recording songs about peace or something. Not that anyone cares what he does. But sometimes I do, because I grew up obsessing with him. Then I wasn’t sure if he was white or black or if it was “forbidden” for me to practically worship because he turned into plastic. Or a woman.
He’s apparently now converting to Islam. I am still in the “not caring” category. So why is this post here?
Considering the amount of serious articles we have on the site, I thought that this satirical piece may light things up. It’s a letter from Michael Jackson addressed to the world, written about 2 years ago.
Dear everyone,
I wake up each morning with the same pain and demons that came to visit me a year and a half ago. I know that I’ll never ever recover from it or stop it from crushing me every single day. Something took away the best thing in my life without asking or warning me and it kills me like a razorblade through the chest, constantly. I won’t go into detail as to what I’m talking about, here. The media’s done enough in exposing everything there is to know about me.
As some of you may already know, I’m in Bahrain, the land of midget extremists and camel-humping bores. I’ve spent a large portion of my time here writing songs with the prince (who can kill 40 live ostriches with his bare hands) and talking to 4 year olds about hamsters. I like 4 year olds. They make my loins stir and my heart soar. I’m glad I’m finally overcoming my fears of children. When I was 39, a 5 year old crept into my bedroom and molested me, claiming that if I told my parents or the authorities, he’d get away with it on the grounds that there is “nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.” He won’t go to jail. He’ll just grow up twice as fast and end up starring in The West Wing like similar offenders do. Goes to say why you shouldn’t trust anyone. I only invited that brat to my home so I could show him the right way to iron a collar.
I’m afraid I’m legally banned from going near any playground since this whole unfortunate misunderstanding with my trousers. That story has gotten a lot of attention from the media. Speaking of the overzealous media, I don’t know why I’m surrounded with cameras all the time. I’m sure the boys and girls of Bahrain don’t want a succession of blurry photos showing me thrashing around my bedroom with a framed picture of their King.
I started wearing an abaya. Covered from head to toe. When my lawyer first suggested this idea, I said “Don’t make me laugh please, it makes my colostomy bag shift to the right, causing intense discomfort.” Little did I know he was being serious, and after I’ve given it much thought I figured this would be a fun way to disguise me. The media here is starved, and the people seem mislead. It’s a wee bit depressing watching all the sheep following the flock. But, like bell-bottoms, BBMak & Capitalism, I think it’s just a faddish phase that will disappear when the novelty has worn off.
Everyone knows I wear an abaya now, the people here are smarter than I ever gave them credit for. I went to the women’s bathroom in a mall and some girl yelled, “IT’S HIM, get your handbags out, ladies!” I ran like I never thought I could run before. Why do people assume that all celebrities are supposed to act responsibly? I am under no orders to make the world a better and safer place. Stop expecting the impossible.
Scarlett Johansson has been stealing my thunder lately, thanks to her recent ridiculously clichéd movie. I really wish that every other magazine would stop telling us how beautiful she is. She needs to be taken down a peg or two. Also, she is a horrible actress, did I mention this? It’s a mathetmatical fact and arguing against it is like debating the colour of dirt. I have seen her big budget stuff and her smaller indie films. Her acting in all of them is wooden.
I won’t be coming home, I’ve made my decision and I’d like to settle down in the Persian Gulf. I figured, if I can’t annoy the hell out of Arabs with my sulky, melancholy whining, what else CAN I do…?
Disclaimer: This piece is satirical and fictional. If you were offended in any way, there’s not much I can do about that.
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Very funny, I think MJ converted because he might still all that money to the Prince.
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That’s what I thought too. Sadly for Michael, it’s not un-Islamic to sue each other!
I’d like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress)actually is a clone from original person,who has nothing with acting career.Clone was created illegally using stolen biomaterial.Original Scarlett Galabekian last name is nice, CHRISTIAN young lady.I’ll tell more,those clones(it’s not only 1)made in GERMANY-world leader manufacturer of humans clones,it’s in Ludwigshafen am Rhein,Rhineland-Palatinate,Mr.Helmut Kohl home town.You can’t even imaging the scale of the cloning activity.But warning,H.Kohl staff strictly controlling their clones spreading around the world,they’re NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled,be careful get close with clones you will be controlled too.Original family didn’t authorize any activity with stolen biomaterials,no matter what form it was created in,it’s all need to be back to original family control in Cedars-Sinai MedicalCenter in LA.Controlling clones is US military operation.Original Scarlett never was engaged,by the way
Coming from someone not previously known for common sense, this move to convert to Islam is the most practical of gestures.
If you enjoy the company of prepubescent boys, why not become a member of the religion founded by a man who enjoyed the tender ministrations of a 9-year old girl?
Seems it was settled “in principle”
And Dave, I think common sense betrayed MJ once again: if he does enjoy the company of pre-pubescent boys, he should have converted to Catholicism.
Timely and spot on sarcasm from Kawthar!
Thanks Dave for your disgustingly ignorant and utterly predictable comment.
Dave, no thanks for your ignorant and unaware comment. Islam wins.
wow, when did he convert?
One does wonder why so many Islamic website are crowing about MJ’s conversion. I would have thought it confirms the worst people say about Islam.
Ignorant? Please enlighten. I love it when advocates for the Religion of Peace hurl epithets minus backup with specifics.
Who here has time to take on this Islamophoboe? Kawthar, would you like to start? Or perhaps we should link him to the other 7,000 Islamophobic rants via comments that we already spent too much time refuting in the past years, only to get a fresh new flow every single day from what looks like mere children who need to be spoonfed actual information after the junk they’ve been exposed to on this wonderful world wide web regarding Islam and its “death cult.” I certainly don’t intend to feed the trolls as they say, but this astounding amount of ignorane has to end somewhere, and I think there should be a clear FAQ concerning this to put an end to incoming trollish and disturbing madness. Then again, we can simply just accept that this website is a magnet for such ridiculous tomfoolery and move on.
Kendall, let me guess. You didn’t read the post at all.
So then I would encourage you to at least, read the disclaimer on this post, and on the many others who consider this to be a simple joke. Is it news on Muslim blogs? Yes, just like it would be news in Jewish blogs if Jackson had announced plans to convert to Judaism. Most of us are making fun about it, so your baseless claim that we’re “crowning” this event makes your comment even more laughable considering the fact that it’s in a satirical thread where I as the author clearly state that I couldn’t care less about this, concluding the rest of the post with a joke. But, you didn’t bother reading the post at all, you simply decided to comment, which kind of proves your curiosity for “knowledge.” Just read titles and hey, let’s assume the facts! Give me one evidence that any Muslim in this site “crowned” this event. Including myself, since I wrote the article.
You need to understand what satire actually means before jumping to such embarrassing conclusions. Seriously, it is almost pitiful to see people squirming like this to find news in a sheer attempt to take cheap shots at a religion you clearly don’t even understand. Especially when a post about us not caring turns to us apparently “crowning him” for this decision, which is just outrageous, to see you even seriously making this claim.
First, before you jump to conclusions, I suggest you look up “crowing” from the verb “to crow.” It has nothing to do with “crowning.”
You might then google “Islam” and “Michael Jackson” as to whether or not Islamic sites are “crowing” (again, not “crowning” about it).
I would be interested to see a Jewish website crowing about anybody’s conversion to Judaism. To the best of my knowledge, they don’t do that. I am not Jewish, but I try to follow their presence on the internet as I do with Islamic sites. The latter crow about anybody’s conversion at the drop of a hat, wether is speaks well of Islam or not.
It MJ’s case, he is, by any reasonable measure, a deeply disturbed individual. If Muslim’s had his interest at heart they would be desirous of helping him rather than exploiting him.
I did not make any Islamophobic remarks: anything you imagine was in your head–not mine.
Kendall is again wrong. Let’s explore the one-sidedness:
Don’t you recall Madonna’s religious fiasco, and its practical dominance of Jewish blogs? Are you seriously going to come here and claim that the hype never existed? Please! There was more hype over her than there is now over Michael Jackson.
Suddenly it is the responsibility of the world’s 1 billion Muslims to actually care about this guy? Why? Why do I feel like this reaction would be totally different if he was converting to anything but Islam? His brother was a Muslim for over a decade. The religion seems to run in his family. No one forced him to convert, and not many people here seem to care. Hence the satirical articles revolving around the case.
Crowing, crowning – I could care less if I actually tried. Not many people here are gloating about it, and the fact that you made this claim on a thread mocking the whole thing, is still really funny – as not a single person here was actually “crowing” this event, nor is it dominating the Muslim blogosphere.
By the way, if you Google anything about anyone, you would fall under the impression that it’s being gloated about. It’s a wonderful innovation called search. The results within the key dominate the information within the results. It’s a simple process and Google is best at it. If you Google “Kendall” and “Michael Jackson,” there’s a lot of results too. I guess you’re doing much of the gloating as well? (How logical is that?)
Oh, and by the way, more than half of the results of “Michael Jackson” and “Islam” are from Western, non-Muslim sources.
Esra’a (Bahrain),
Since you insist on misunderstanding me, I see no point in continuing this.
Have a good life.
You mean we’re not going to talk about this? But it’s Michael Jackson..
Michael Jackson is on the news not mainly because he converted, there is a very long legal case against him and the settlement is what the media is talking about. If any famous person in the usa gets sued it is in the news, no fuss about islam there. I google “michael jackson” in the news. results are mostly about legal or his whereabouts.
with muslim blogging, any person, famous or not, converts to islam, always a reason to rejoice. same idea in every religion on the world. some of the most major muslim blogs did not care to address this. some little bloggers wanted to share this news and express their thoughts on this, why is this so bad? how is this confirming the worst ideas about islam? because he was disturbed from before? well, just like when a criminal in usa turns to jesus, i dont see people saying bad things about christianity. any disturbed person turns to religion for hope and answers. what religion, this is not your business. just because some religious bloggers celebrate, its not because they understand or like michael, or approve his past. even drug dealers here, they repent, become religius, to apologize for their crimes and mistakes. in usa, same thing. in israel, same thing. we here are not different from you. we get this news, we reacted. some are happy, some not caring. some think its rumor. we have bigger things to deal with usually.
Kendall, you are an idiot.
And Dave, do you know what common sense is?
Since no one has understood my original posting, I have to admit to being obscure (though not intentionally so). It does not, however, make me an idiot. That kind of Impairment lies elsewhere.
Kendall can you tell us what’s not offensive about this remark:
Somehow, Michael Jackson’s conversion and the way some Muslim bloggers wrote about it confirms the worst in Islam.
Is this not what you meant?
If not, then make yourself clear, and stop repeatedly claiming that no one here gets you.
Hmm… if you search for whatever word and whatever, youw ill get results. You know… thats how a search engine suppose to work… I did fey other searches..
Results 1 – 10 of about 592,000 for Christianity and Michael Jackson. (0.24 seconds)
Results 1 – 10 of about 1,470,000 for Islam and Michael Jackson. (0.21 seconds)
Results 1 – 10 of about 357,000 for Kendall and Michael Jackson. (0.08 seconds)
Ok ok so Islam and MJ has alot because of recent news so dont’ get all uppity but come on you and mj 357k? omgz omgz…
Results 1 – 10 of about 872,000 for Jews and Madonna. (0.24 seconds)
So you want 1 billion people to make a joint statement about this dude now? You are more than an idiot.
I’d like to know how we are “exploiting” him.
And since my English is apparently so poor that I misunderstand everything you’ve said thus far, I have looked this up:
Really…? How are we doing that? Because a few blogs chose to write about it? It makes absolutely no sense but I would like your take on why you arrived to such conclusion. Few blogs here and there don’t speak for a 1 billion population or a whole religion for that matter. For crying out loud, it’s Michael Jackson. When his brother converted, people also talked about it, is that such a huge deal to you?
FYI, there are no newsletters when someone signs up to our religion. You won’t expect to see, “Dear Michael, we represent the entire Mulsim population and would like to WELCOME you to this FANTASTIC path of life that we call Islam. Please, if you need anything, Skype us. We are here to help you Michael, not to exploit you, because the latter angers Kendall.”
Well, first, I don’t give a rat’s ass what Mr. Jackson does. He is a pedophile, a shady business dealer and a classic “weird celebrity”. I’ll wager that the real reason for his conversion to Islam is on the advice of his PR people and less on any personal faith issues he may have.
That said, it only remains for Madonna to convert for the WEDDING OF THE NEW MILLENIUM! (after all, she’s tried pretty much every other religion on the planet, hasn’t she? including “British”?)
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Rumors that Michael Jackson are false. His name was definitely not changed to Mikeel…FACT. His death certificate (on TMZ) labels his name as MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON…oh well he must of been Christian.
not really surprised though as he did mention Jesus in interviews. still even if he is Christian may, Allah be with him always.