Single Mothers Dreams Shattered..
March 16th, 2009No woman ever imagines she would end up single again after taking the leap into marriage hood. Most women believe that marriage is forever and this rosy picture was introduced to us by bedtime stories and fairy tales where the prince and princess lived happily ever after!
That is what every little six year old girl dreams of; it’s finding her knight in shining armor! Then reality does this magical disappearing act of such dreams. When things do not go right or as we had dreamed in fairy tales we fall apart because we were not prepared. I don’t believe I am a pessimist rather I would say realistic in my thinking. I don’t believe that a person ought to wait for something to go wrong rather live the moment and enjoy it to the fullest and be prepared for mishaps, it’s a part of life.
In a culture where I come from many girls were prepped into marriage and the responsibilities that come with it from a very young age, from taking care of your husband and fulfilling his every need to cooking, child birth and raising your children. It is interesting how they seem to have disregarded her own needs.
In devoting yourself to your husband you are worshiping God! That is what many have been taught. Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that love is a mutual act that is shared by mates with all that comes with it from respect to sacrifices. However, here we have a giving party and a recipient. The giver is supposed to give even if the recipient does not exchange love, respect and so on.
Women are expected to grant all they are unconditionally even if man remarries or commits adultery! She ought to be patient and continue on giving even if she is abused mentally, emotionally or physically! This is how culture raises women. Through endurance in this life time with what man offers her she seeks salvation in the afterlife. So many women put up with so much for the sake of their children as well.
Women are unfortunate and very weak legally when it comes to their children after a divorce. At a certain age of about seven to nine years a child most likely returns to his father if the dad wished so. The father has the power to forbid the children from ever seeing their mother! Even if he passes away, his brother takes over. It is interesting how the mother has no right what so ever over her own children whom she carried in her womb after she breaks up with her husband.
She can’t enroll them in schools without the father’s approval. She can’t admit them in case of an emergency in a hospital without his presence or signed consent. A mother can’t open a bank account for her own children where I come from.
The Prophet mentioned that heaven lies beneath mother’s feet. This is a clear statement showing the importance of mothers in Islam. He had stated that you will not be able to enter the heavens unless you have done well with your mother. The prophet even mentioned that the importance of a mother is three times the father. This doesn’t seem to be taken to account in our culture.
There have been reports of fathers marrying their young daughters to much older men and it was surprising to see that mothers had no saying in that what so ever. They could not prevent or even speak out in a court of law because they were not LEGAL GUARDIANS!
However, there have been very few cases where such marriages were annulled due to pressures from the media.
There is an alarming rise in divorce rates in Saudi Arabia, however life for single mothers in this country is far from easy. Not only does society look at her differently but an accusing finger is also pointed at her for failing, for not playing her part right, for not taking adultery or abuse with its many forms like a “woman “ought to! (Don’t get me wrong, women can be the cause of many failed marriages as well, some marriages fail because of mismatches…etc) however, women pay the price in the end. They lose so much in a divorce, they usually are the ones who leave their homes and move back to their parent’s or into a new place after all the years of emotional, physical and financial investments they put up in their previous broken homes. Unlike men who get a pat on the back and offers of renewing their bed partner (They even use this same phrase with a man who has just become widowed).
It is much easier for men to move on after divorce but women deal with the children, tiptoeing on eggshells and playing their cards right so as not to lose them. A woman thinks a hundred times before remarrying because if the children were still with her, she would lose custody of them the moment she remarries!
As a single mother I understand what other moms go through. After starting a small support group I have been approached by several ladies who feel caged by society, some misfortunate ladies were abused and had their children taken away from them. It is so hard to imagine that the legal system and society watches silently and approvingly of such cruelty.
These heroines must know they are not alone in this. They must not feel defeated by culture. Praying for change is not enough but actively creating it is the way.. Even if they were tiny little steps.. Speak out.. There might be someone out there who is actually listening..
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Whilst I agree that it seems that our Arab society does seem to favor men, I would like to concentrate on your first thoughts and give a different perspective. I agree with you that from an early age, girls start dreaming about their knight in shining armor who will come to rescue them and marry them. However, there lies part of the problem.
After all, most people marry in their 20s and since the life expectancy these days is in the 70s, then that means that you will spend 50 years being married (or at least that is the expectation). Thus, marriage is only a step in your life. While it is important, many Arabs communicate to their female folk that marriage is their ultimate goal in life which I believe is wrong and a major part of the problem. Marriage is only a step in life similar to growing up, finishing your studying, getting a job, retiring, etc… However, we make it seem to women that it is their sole purpose in life and that does not make any sense.
They still need to take care of themselves, they need to nurture their spirit. Marriage is an aim and not a means. That is my two fils on the subject.