This’ll be my first departure from Australia since repatriating nearly a decade ago. After spending 20 years based in Verbier, Switzerland, I’ve been rediscovering Australian culture, from Sydney to Yamba, Sandy Beach to Tamworth, to Newcastle, to Auburn in Sydney, before moving north again to Byron Bay. It seems settling down is not to be a quick and easy process for me.

I met comedian Akmal Saleh one night in a service station outside Tweed Heads. I was returning from the Gold Coast having watched the ‘crew screening’ of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, when who did I see filling up petrol in front of me? Akmal Saleh no less.

Being a fan, and knowing he’s a resident of the Byron Shire I thought I’d go say g’day and see if he’d do a comedy piece for my www.byronvibe.com website. With a flash of his brooding eyes and a shrug of his shoulders, his inimitable pursed grin replied “yeah, sure”.

A couple weeks later, we were wandering down main street in Byron, vox popping with Frank and some other randoms, having a laugh. (View clips here

After several months passed I get a call from Akmal asking if I’d be interested in going to Egypt to shoot a story. I had to think for all of a micro second before responding with an emphatic YES.

Of course the project had a low probability of coming off, as every project seems to at first in the film biz, so I didn’t get too excited as it was february and the trip was scheduled for August. There was a while to go and any number of factors could cancel the project, the instability of the new military government but one of note.

But we had good advice on that matter from an expert on Egyptian affairs who had recently returned from Egypt as well as another friend of Akmal’s who’d been a solicitor in Egypt for many years, and that seemed good enough for me.

Months rolled by. A couple of meetings at Lulu’s in Mullum. Phone calls from Akmal and I’m thinking, “this guy’s serious! Maybe it will happen!”

Sam has been a solicitor in Egypt for many years

Mitigating circumstances meant Akmal had to go in August or he couldn’t go at all… We tried to get a couple of production companies on board, but really time had run out and we had to make a decision: Go it alone or cancel the trip. But Akmal was keen, so with a month left he said “let’s go!”

New passport and visas had to be sorted. Camera equipment had to be sourced. The desire to shoot with Sony’s latest F3 rig had to give way to the reality of running gun in a place like the streets of Egypt and we decided on Sony’s less cumbersome and more discreet EX1, a compact yet high def solution from the friendly guys at Pro Cam in Brisbane.

With a week to go, packing down my gypsy abode should have been an easy process, but a spent tension pulley in the fan belt config meant I had to tow it to the Gold Coast at a cost which would have been better spent on the trip to Europe (yes, Europe, after Egypt, but that’s another story). The damn plastic spindle cost 90 bucks but the replacement of it cost $800 as they had to pull the front end off…

This setback could only be looked at one way. As a preparation to the many contigencies that I knew Egypt was going to throw at me once we were on the ground. Like a war of attrition I began to cross tasks off my list of things to do, before finally cramming tripod, audio gear, cameras and lenses, clothes, laptop and mobile-office kit into two backpacks and a ready-to-shoot bag. About a 50kg load all up.

Parking the ‘Hotel Benz’ at Karin’s (thanks Karin) I loaded my gear into Catie’s Van (Akmal’s wife and the production’s Line Producer) before we proceeded to the Gold Coast airport. The plan was for me to go two weeks prior to them to film the Abu El Haggag religious festival in Luxor which was advertised as being on the 17th and 18th July. This festival is a coming together of Muslims and Christians in a two day parade through the streets of Luxor around the ancient mosque of Abu El Haggag.

Abu El Haggag Mosque and Temple

Nothing like getting thrown in the deep end, on my own in a country I’ve never been to, don’t speak the language of (hoping my french will get me by if English doesn’t), with some expensive camera kit in tow, much to the consternation of family and friends who see the evening news regarding instability in the region…

But I was on my way to the airport, the one sure sign a project is on and the only time one allows oneself to get excited about the journey ahead, because today, I’m off to Egypt.

And those of you that are already involved with someone may be planning (hopefully not too frantically) for your Valentine’s Day eve. It’s hard to plan a Valentine’s Day evening or date that isn’t too cheesy since the holiday of love tends to take romance over the top. Chocolates are a cliche (and, frankly, not healthy or locally produced in most cases), flowers are overdone (and have a negative effect on the environment, unless you’re giving your sweetheart a potted flower plant), and red and pink streamers are not for everyone.

Not to be the Grinch that stole Valentine’s Day, but there are other options out there – especially if you take a unique Middle Eastern approach to your date.

Explore the great and romantic outdoors. The Middle East may not be home the stereotypical romantic locales of Paris or Rome, but it has beautiful spots to visit nonetheless. Lebanon and Israel have Mediterranean coastlines, Egypt is blessed with the Nile River, and Jordan and Syria have an abundance of national parks. An outdoor picnic in any such outdoor settings would surely set your date apart from the (overdone) norm.

If your date is not a fan of eating outdoors, though, there are other things you can do outside. You can go for a romantic walk or bike ride (both Beirut and Tel Aviv currently have sea-side bike paths), or spend an evening at an eco-tourist destination. Think an eco-tourist guesthouse is the opposite of romantic? Think again – candle-lit rooms, delicious fresh food and stunning locations often characterize these spots.

Enjoy a meal that is considerate towards both your date and the environment. One thing that Valentine’s Day has gotten right (despite the fact that it is usually done over-the-top) is a romantic, delicious meal. Making a romantic meal doesn’t mean that your fillets have to be heart-shaped, or that your cake has to be dyed red or pink, though. Delicious, considerate food that requires time and thought to prepare is at least equally (if not much more) romantic.

Consider preparing an eco-considerate local and organic meal, sourced from the best that the Middle East has to offer. Try cooking something more daring than your usual fare, whether it be homemade Baba Ghanoush or a hearty Jerusalem artichoke soup. (Word to the wise: check to see if your date has any eco-dietary restrictions or allergies first.)

(This post was written by Green Prophet’s Karen Chernick to help spread the green message throughout the Middle East)

Here are the Fatwa’s I’ve posted so far:

Fatwa of the Day #6: Wearing Nike Apparel is a sin

Fatwa of the Day #5: Why is Masturbation Haram?

Fatwa of the Day #4: Left-handedness

Fatwa of the Day #3: Emoticons

Fatwa of the Day #2: Breastfeeding Co-Workers

Fatwa of the Day #1: That Devilish Little Rat!

And amidst all this furore, Cartoonist Zapiro comes in with more depictions of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) making fun about how we as Muslims “lack a sense of humor”, ignoring the fact that humor differs based on perspective, cultures and language.

Lack of consideration despite warnings that this might generate violence amongst certain circles of Muslims, and people like Zapiro still fail to realize that not everybody is as “free” of the rules as they are when it comes to freedom of speech and expression, and when violence sparks up and somebody gets terrorized, hurt or possibly killed, the violent people are eventually the people to blame, but what started all this? How can you expect to stick your hand out in a fire and not get burned? It all comes down to cause and effect.

People of such attitude claim to be open minded to explore other beliefs and other cultures and interact based on that, but I see they have more preference to generally impose their mindset over others, and then label you as the fundamentalist narrow-minded person should you ever resist such a mind manipulation process.

Bias, prejudice, ridicule, all directed towards Islam by many tools. This current wave of Islamophobia that’s sweeping the World is nothing different than other forms of racial phobia and racial profiling that had occurred in the past throughout our World history.

When you attack black people, they call it racism. When you attack Jewish people, they call it antisemitism. When you attack women, they call it sexism. When you attack homosexuality, they call it intolerance. When you attack your country, they call it treason. When you attack a religious sect, they call it hate speech… But when you attack the Prophet Muhammad, they call it freedom of speech.

I’m just sayin’

Jen McCreight, in her weblog, offered a suggestion:

I have a modest proposal.
Sedighi claims that not dressing modestly causes earthquakes. If so, we should be able to test this claim scientifically. You all remember the homeopathy overdose?

Time for a Boobqauke.

On Monday, April 26th, I will wear the most cleavage-showing shirt I own. Yes, the one usually reserved for a night on the town. I encourage other female skeptics to join me and embrace the supposed supernatural power of their breasts. Or short shorts, if that’s your preferred form of immodesty. With the power of our scandalous bodies combined, we should surely produce an earthquake. If not, I’m sure Sedighi can come up with a rational explanation for why the ground didn’t rumble. And if we really get through to him, maybe it’ll be one involving plate tectonics.

If I had boobs, I could join; now I can help to boost the Boobquake in the other way
If you got boobs, you can join on this facebook page and challenge religious insane claims with a little humor and science

For the donkey’s luck, a British troop was passing by and saw the fight. The British soldiers felt pity for the poor donkey and approached yelling at the farmer. Another fight started and the soldiers battered the farmer badly for his “inhuman” treatment of the donkey, and went on in their way. The farmer, frustrated and angry of both the donkey and the soldiers, started beating the donkey again yelling at him: “Why didn’t you tell me you have relatives in London?”

The story, just like history, does repeat itself again, but this time in a brand-new postmodern way; well-organized in a kind of “charity” with constitution, colorful papers and handouts, computerized statistics and sharp stuff !!!

Two months ago, a friend of mine (who is the chief of the local council of a neighboring village) asked me if I can meet a European delegate of “Animals Rights” charity and guide them through the village. I apologized telling him that I really don’t have time for such animals, sorry benevolent humans !!!

Later, my friend asked me to design and write a gratitude certificate (a paper that looks like a University Certificate but has both the local council’s and the Charity’s logos on it) in order for him to send it to that “humanitarian” (but animalistic) Charity !!! He explained to me how they came; a huge delegate with 4-wheels jeeps, equipments, medicine and donkeys’ luxury stuff !!! They were professionals on Donkeys and only serve the “Donkeys (Human) Rights”… they took a tour around the village to visit their “kins” of the Donkeys, they healed some sick donkeys, and had a good impression of how we (the primitives) deal with their “relatives”, the humans !!!!

I just wonder, in God’s sake, how many zionist checkpoints they passed to reach this remote village? How many walls and borders they crossed to take care of their “relatives”? Didn’t they see how the Palestinians are treated like donkeys (apology for the donkeys) under the zionist occupation, how they are captured in the zoo of Gaza? Why, the donkeys have “Human Rights” while the Palestinians still (after 100 years of both the British and the Zionist occupation) deprived from the basic “Donkeys Rights”?

I am sure that the next Palestinian elections will witness the right for the Donkeys to vote and even compete for presidency, but what I am certain of is that the next Palestinian president (according to the West electoral standards) will be a Donkey that has kinship to London !!! Praised be the Almighty Donkeys that have kinship to London !!!

Sami, the Bedouin.

Hmm, sounds familiar.

A little too familiar.

You see, I like to think of history as a broken record (or corrupted .mp3 file for all you new-age punks), often repeating itself every few years. A remix of the original song, if you will. Kind of like Depeche Mode’s Enjoy The Silence, only the song and its 300+ covers never get old. Nor does Dave Gahan’s voice; but I digress.

Who’s to say that the US will not launch a preemptive attack in order to curb the growing threat of Al Qaeda? Did they not do that in 2003 when they claimed Iraq had weapons of mass destruction? (Just ask Paul O’Neill). Maybe Obama’s Administration is conditioning us to accept a preemptive attack on Iran.

I found a how-to list online on how to make your own remixes, and it serves as a nifty little guide for most countries who want to legitimise their interference in other state’s affairs.

(I suggest you read the original article first so that you understand the context)

• Select the right track enemy. This is very important, since this is will affect your standing in the political arena. You’ll need, at the very least, a powerful ally to back you up.
• Try to identify what you will contribute to the track your justification. This can range from national security threats to a threat to world peace or some hoopla like that. You will also have to plan on whether you’re targeting small areas or aiming for total destruction. Think about what you’d like to take back with you from that country – what you like best, what you will keep intact and what you will change.

Words, like violence…

• Dissect the track Plan of Attack. Will there be an ultimatum, or will you be a sneaky little bastard and creep up on them? In either case, after the initial incursion take the resources you have to work with, and do most of the attacking up front.

Break the silence…


• Experiment! Nuke ‘em. Rob them of all their natural resources. Napalm, biological weapons, and more. This is your chance to have fun.

Come crashing in, into my little world…


• Reconstruct. In order to make sure that everyone doesn’t think you’re one big ol’ bully, you have to give something back to the country. This could be in the form of allowing the locals to fend for themselves slowly, giving them a chance to wean themselves out of your military occupancy (Vietnam), or it could be something even more taxing, like establishing democracy in a previously autocratic state.

Painful to me…

• Export your creation aka Operation GTFO . When you’re happy with your “progress,” you should export, or as many locals would fondly say “GET THE FUCK OUT.” .

Pierce right through me…

• Distribute your remix. This is where you tell everyone how awesome you are and how awesome the country you left in ruins now is, thanks to your overwhelming use of awesome force. Awesome.

Congratulations, if the whole world didn’t hate you already, they hate you now. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to leave well enough alone?

Except no one’s laughing.

In fact, reading the extract confirms that this “novel” is more boring than assembly instruction manuals for particle board furniture.

David claims in an equally boring interview with himself (warning: reading it may cause you to throttle yourself)-

I know that there are Arab women who are intellectual and ‘free-thinking’, but I was never lucky enough to meet one.

Six years in the Gulf and not a single “intellectual” woman. Such “harmless” humor, indeed. Raises a lot of great points and contains:

He claims that he will try to get this thing he calls a “novel” translated into Arabic, but that he will have to find a person with a “broad mind.” Unfortunately in the Arab world he believes this to be an impossible mission. He could, however, find a woman with a broad ass though.

David, congratulations on being you. Not many people could carry the burden of being Britain’s social and intellectual elite with such aplomb and grace, let alone find the time to be so utterly condescending and arrogant. That is a feat beyond compare and I, for one, applaud you. You are so funny, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.